It is what it is

Life list

This past Sunday I read an article in the New York Times about the growing number of people making life lists - a sort of "things to do before you die" list - and it got me motivated to start my own list.  It seemed like it could be a good way to provide a dose of motivation and accountability - both things I feel the need for right now.

I used to be someone with a fairly clear plan and many concrete goals.  I liked the sense of certainty (even if somewhat misguided and false) of feeling like I knew where the road was taking me (my post on how I read books further elaborates on these tendencies). Since having Q, I've kind of fallen off the wagon of goal setting, so I thought that sitting down to write a life list would be an interesting exercise.  I don't think this is a panacea for my desire to find a bigger role in the world, but I do think it might be an interesting way to keep me moving forward towards some goals, and hopefully that can be part of the process of solving the bigger puzzle.

Some of my goals are admittedly rather shallow, hopefully most are not. Some goals are considerably more achievable than others. They are in no particular order as yet.  I've tried to be specific where possible (and being quote girl, sometimes I had a bonus quote to tag on as well).  For some things I still only have a general idea without specifics, but I included these goals even if still in the formative stage and trust that I'll be able to refine it; I'm figuring that by putting it out there it's like clay that I can work with and shape. I think I'm going to keep this as a running list on my blog in an effort to feel some public accountability. 

Life List

Be present.

Focus on the things I can control.  (I'm not religious, but the quote that always comes up for me on this one is "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference").

Run a sub-3:45 marathon.

Compete in a mountain bike race

Go to cooking school in France or Italy.

Live in France, Australia, Italy, UK for at least a month each.

Learn to speak a foreign language fluently.

Do a volunteer vacation.

Get involved in a political campaign

Get deeply involved (with time and money) in a cause or issue to make the world a better place. ("Be the change you want to see in the world.")

Volunteer in a homeless shelter (or similar venue) for a Thanksgiving dinner

Learn to sing (somewhat) in tune.

Learn to play a musical instrument

Wear a bikini at the beach again (look very hot in it)

Participate in a long-distance team running relay (perhaps this one)

Follow the Tour de France on an organized bike trip

Bike across the US

Raise a happy, well-adjusted, compassionate child

Write a book. 

Publish a book.

Write a letter to the editor of the NYT (that gets published)

Learn to ski well enough to get down any run safely (and happily)

Do another Ironman race

Learn a martial art

Create art (paint/photograph/etc) good enough that I want to hang it in my home

Build/design a house from the ground up

Live in San Francisco again

Start a business or organization.

Create a retreat/commune/gathering venue for friends and family

Go on a silent meditation retreat.

Visit Galapagos islands

Study yoga in India

What now?

"Making choices is easy, it's living with them that's hard."  I'm not sure where I first heard that, but I think it's often quite accurate. While making choices isn't always exactly easy for me, of late I have been feeling some of the burden of choices made or, if not explicitly made, made nonetheless.  The specific issue I've been giving a lot of thought to is what I want to do next - from a professional/impact the world beyond my home sort of way - and my general place in the universe - what and who I want to have an impact on.

I've been told by one of my dear friends that this is an inevitable passage you go through right around when your kids turn three if you're a stay-at-home mom. Lots of people end up having more kids right about this time so perhaps that forestalls some of the questioning by doubling down on the first set of choices, but that's not the path for me.  So I know one choice that isn't right for me, but I'm not sure what the right choice is.  I've loved spending most of my time the past few years focused on my family and I know it was the right thing for us, but I've started to feel a bit unbalanced and feel a strong desire to expand my universe.

I think somehow with turning 36, my last official year as a mid-30, I've had this sense of feeling mired in my choices - that some of the choices I've made have closed other doors, that there are lives I may never live or experiences I won't have because of choices I've made.  I agree with the Katherine Mansfield quote that "Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in," so I hate to admit that I've probably been indulging in more than my fair share of regret and wallowing of late (though I'm thankful to some of my favorite friends in the world who listened to me as I broke down in tears over more than one cup of tea or glass of wine on my last SF visit as we discussed this very topic).  Now I'm trying to refocus my energy towards what I am going to do instead of what I have (or haven't) done.

What's been particularly challenging for me is that for the most part, I think that most of the things I've done in terms of professional/public roles - product management for Internet company, magazine editor, board member for non-profits - don't feel like quite the right answer to fill the void I'm feeling now.  So I guess what I'm feeling is the need to re-invent myself, and, at the same time feeling the burden of my own expectations - that ever looming question of "Is this what you got an MBA and all that education for?".   I've always loved stories of people who re-invented themselves - either rising from the ashes of failure to climb to great heights or simply having another success in a new realm - so I'm trying to view this more as an opportunity than a burden (haven't quite gotten there yet.)

After not having a formal forum for engaging with the world for so long, I know I miss it - I miss the intellectual experience, I miss the challenges, I miss the intensity, I miss working towards specific and achievable goals, I miss building and creating.  There are myriad ways people fulfill these needs. I'm just trying to figure out the path that's right for me.

Must-eats in SF

Other than running the marathon, my recent visit to San Francisco was filled up as these visits usually are - catching up with as many of my favorite people as possible, walking all over the city, and eating as many of my favorite foods as possible.  Eating is usually a big and important part of my travels and on San Francisco visits I'm always trying to find a balance of enjoying some of my old favorites while also being open to new discoveries. 

I love food and I like to optimize my experiences.  While I enjoy the occasional over-the-top meal (a la French Laundry), in general, I'm a bit more basic in my food preferences and tend to appreciate perfect executions of somewhat common/straight-forward, unfussy foods.  I'm blessed with a husband and friends who are willing to tag along for the ride as I seek out the perfect meal, even if that occasionally means having each course at a different venue. I'm definitely a believer in the "life's too short to eat bad food" approach to things - and I've certainly been known to leave a bad meal in search of a better restaurant rather than waste a meal with bad food.  While Boulder has some good food options, there is really no comparison with San Francisco and so I've usually got a long list of food I want to eat on each visit to the Bay Area.

So, while I wasn't able to eat all of my favorite foods on my recent SF trip (I'm back again in a week though so will have another bite at the apple, so to speak), and I had a few horrible food moments (desperation raisinettes and a wonder-bread like soft pretzel at the double-feature movie we saw), I did get a chance to re-visit some of my favorites as well as experience a few new good options.

Old Favorites:

• Chocolate sable cookies (from Miette) and Billecart-Salmon rose at Ferry Building Wine Merchant
• Almond croissant and raisin walnut roll from Boulangerie (Bay Bread)
• Ham and warm sheep's milk Cheese terrine (with champs) at Piperade
• Yank Sing for dim sum
• Chocolate chip cookies at the Grove
• Valdeon toasts and Billecart-Salmon rose (notice a theme?) at Terzo
• Margherita pizza and chocolate budino tart at A16
• Green Papaya salad at Slanted Door
• Cinnamon hot chocolate cake at Bittersweet Cafe
• Peaches from Frog Hollow Farm

New (for me) and worth repeating

• Christopher Elbow chocolate bars from CocoaBella
• Bombolone (Raspberry and Chocolate) at I Preferiti di Boriana at the Ferry Building
• Dinner at Plumpjack (Fabulous app of pain perdue with burrata and amazing black forest cake with chocolate pudding and cherry soup for dessert)
• Pasta-load dinner at Bacco - solid Italian restaurant in Noe Valley

On the list for upcoming San Francisco visit (again trying for the blend of the old favorites (OF) and new discoveries..)

• Tacubaya (OF - love their pork tacos)
• Sketch (OF)
• ici (have been wanting to try this relatively new Berkeley ice cream spot for quite some time)
• Picco (OF - love their pizza and soft-serve ice cream)
• Tartine (OF)
• Bong Su (OF- Actually have preferred this place over Slanted Door for Vietnamese food of late -- still holding out for their Boulder location....)
• Charles Chocolates factory tour and retail store
• Hamburgers at the Village Pub and Peninsula Creamery (OF)
• Dinner at Scott Howard and Nopa

If anyone has any suggestions for must-eat foods in San Francisco (particularly the new and fabulous), please send me an email or leave a comment!